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1:01 AM

Hehe… it looks like it’s all falling apart doesn’t it? No one is talking to each other.  I have personally committed to myself that I will maintain control and will not be baited over the next 7 days.  Kevin and I have received our eviction notice, the big day is the 9th.  I have a couple of manoeuvres I can pull which may buy me some time.  I’m looking at a possible up to one more month to close one deal.  I’m thinking the odds are in my favour, considering the amount of lures I have in the water, and all I need is the smallest one in the bunch to save that situation.  I do need to start reeling some of those in, but am facing many challenges.  Without a phone and limited funds for transportation, it is difficult.  I am trying to work past these hurdles, but in my mind, it would be great if everytime I started believing in myself, everyone wouldn’t try and pull me back down.  You all want me to get this done, but Christ, I’m only one woman you know?  I’m carrying my share of the load, you just don’t see it, it’s all in the background.  Alternatively, we have discussed it, and we are prepared to leave it all behind if we have to.  We are currently making arrangements to find accomodations.

I hate to fuck around with anybody’s idea of reality, but frankly, Andy has nothing to bitch about.  If anyone’s a diva, he’s it.  He is squawking about all kinds of money he wants to spend that we don’t have.  I hate to tell him this, but we’re never gonna spend when we do get money.  One of our selling points is the lack of polish.  I intend to keep it that way, and I don’t care what he thinks.  I was told this by an unbiased audience member.  I believed him,  and he’s who I am trying to please, not Andy.  That’s also what the budget says, which Andy received a copy of way back when, after I consulted with him for his input.  If he can’t live up to his words, so be it.  I am not living up to my estimate as far as time to obtain financing.  I believe I am suffering most from this delay, so I think that’s off the table.  I have adjusted the marketing materials to reflect the change in programming schedule, so I don’t know what Andy is so bloody rushed about and stressed, and I wish he would calm down.  The world is not falling apart until I say it is.

While I will try and stay from specific personal topics out of respect for this audience, I observed when I read Andy’s review of his own work, that the things he complains about not liking about the episode, are the materials scripted and shot entirely by him.  Naturally, they’re the ones that I hate, because he’s told me to.  However, upon closer observation, they contribute to develop the contrast in everything that is me and Andy, which is entirely what the show is about.  I like where it’s going.  I’ve actually seen a progression in the work since the first episode, with an even nicer feel on it than the first one.  The only thing I would change at the request of the audience is to shorten them to 20 minutes, and see if that quells the “too long” comments.  I would leave the first two alone until we have the time to revisit them.

I am repeatedly told that I’m on an ego trip.  I looked up the definition of ego trip this afternoon, just to make sure I understood what I was being labelled.  To try it on, and see if it fit.  This is what I came up with from wordnet:

The noun ego trip has one meaning:

Meaning #1: an act undertaken to increase your own power and influence or to draw attention to your own importance

First of all, before I discuss my thoughts, I would like to point out that I am aware of the semantics, and that there are other definitions which would taint the word to the negative or positive spectrum either way.  I feel this is a neutral enough definition for discussion purposes, and also reflects the spirit in which you all mean to say the word.

I am on an ego trip.

I would point out, at this point in time, for the good of the entire group, it is necessary not only for me to take an ego trip, but for all of us to do so, and not be afraid of it.  Part of the issue is that some of us take this more seriously than others, and others take it seriously in different ways.  I would like for us all to come to a consensus as to what it is we are all taking seriously.

Ourselves.

In my mind:  I think we can all agree that it is becoming more and more apparent that this project is:

a)  Much more work than any of us anticipated,

b) Taking much more time than we anticipated,

c) Is demanding of us things that we never thought we would be able to do;

d) Is changing us faster than we thought.

While we have faced these challenges head on, I believe we are all at a standstill as to what we are going to do to address them.  I would like to state for the record, that my being adamant about certain things does indeed have everything to do with my primal instincts for survival.  It is necessary for me to maintain a close connection with those in order for me to get this done.  I am not eating alot people, and I’m not complaining, I’m just asking you to understand.  As to the question of my health, I would like to reassure everyone that I was at the doctors last week, have had a complete physical, discussed all of my activities with him, and he has a) not hospitalized me, and b) not locked me up as a danger to anyone.  We did complete bloodwork, and I am healthy as a horse.  Now please get off my case, if I NEED something, I will ask for it.  Thank you.  You don’t have to give it to me, but I promise I will ask. In case you’re wondering about any of the other living beings in my household, if I’m ok, trust me, they’re OK.  In my house I get last, it’s how I keep tabs on everybody at once.

I’m yelling, and really, of late, I have not yelled at the drop of a hat, I’m being baited on all fronts.  You must understand how frustrated I am trying to lead such a large group  The overall momentum is being driven by me, and I need cooperation people.

I would like for us to be the professionals that we are, and put aside our petty arguments, for the sake of all of us.  I would like to point out that I try my best to use words like US and WE and TEAM and FRIENDS and FAMILY as frequently as possible so that we treat each other with the amount of respect we deserve.  Let’s please respect each other’s experience and knowledge, and trust that we are all acting for the benefit of the group, and that we are all operating to the best of our knowledge and experience.  As long as we remain honest (something none of us have a problem being brutally so), I think we can trust each other to be confident in our knowledge, or ask a question.  If not… learn and move on.   Let’s please respect each other’s lack of experience, and treat each question as sincere, and knowledge seeking.  Let’s make it our pleasure to share information with each other, so that we can grow as individuals, and gain strength as a group.  Sharing talent is a joy, it shouldn’t be a chore.  Let’s please keep in mind to respect each others privacy and schedule.  Let’s take the time to write the thank you’s and the kudos.  Let’s offer each other help when we can (WHEN WE CAN).  I cannot stress this enough.  I’m sorry I can’t offer any of you much more than every beat of my heart at the moment, but I will have more someday.  Let’s not sow mistrust amongst each other, and give each other the benefit of the doubt.  Let’s ask the questions that need to be asked, and share the ideas that need to be shared.

Let’s playfully mock each other and laugh together at the truth.  

I know some of you don’t believe this is it.  Kevin and I know it, and somewhere deep inside each of you you know it too, and we’re all scared shitless.  I’m at the point where I can’t let fear stop me.  It’s not an option.  To quote my favorite Incredible Family:

“Doubt is a luxury we can’t afford”. – Elastigirl

And I can’t.

So I’m just gonna have to pull out my Elastigirl, one more time.  There’s absolutely no reason on earth we can’t do this people.  NONE.  If we believe our words, if we buy our own bullshit.   The new mainstream is about to knock you on your ass.

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