My odds like chips are stacked…

feature9Like wolves in a pack.

A team is only as strong as its weakest member. One might take one look at my diminutive stature, my kindly warm smile and my feminine form, and presume that I am the weakest member of [sic]. One would be mistaken. Just like I learned that the caption which accompanies this popular Facebook pic is a fallacy aswell. Turns out that is in fact the Alpha FEMALE of the pack at the head, cutting tracks for the others to walk in, in an effort to conserve the overall energy of the group.

It’s hard to participate in League of Rock and NOT notice how little representation there is of my sex. This isn’t a new perspective, I’ve been covering bands for 10 years and I can almost count on one hand how many girls I’ve encountered along the way. I say almost because the women I have met have counted for more than one… when expressed in all their aspects.
I live in the aspect of being a housewife every day. I’m not like Margaret Thatcher and scared to die while washing up a dish for fear it would invalidate me. I wouldn’t mind dying at the sink, it would mean I died serving my family, in an act of caring for them, which in the end, are the most important acts of my life.

I am learning now to express the aspect of myself that serves only me and my vain and innermost desires to entertain, to move, to convey… that which doesn’t get expressed in washing up the dishes, but in cleansing myself of the expectations that are placed on me by my everyday role of housewife. Performance is more than a vocal expression… It is a spiritual expression of the person I am that doesn’t get seen every day, who doesn’t speak her truth for fear of the response it may elicit, or the attention it will attract. In the end, it will matter less if I hit the note than if I own it like it was meant to be and correct my course forward.

I have been expressing myself in a performance way in the form of a reality series since 2006. I can’t even put into words the response it has elicited from our audience. It became so overwhelming that we were forced to put the show on hiatus in 2011 in order to recover some of our privacy, and heal damage that inevitably happens when one is the subject of a constant barrage of scrutiny. When I say we, I refer to my family, my husband who coaches and supports me tirelessly, whose talents are reflected in his edits and packaging of our material, my eldest son who has coached me in all matters musical, my daughter, who is now also a performer, who coaches me in matters from movement to wardrobe, and my youngest son and daughter who bought into the childish fantasy without doubt or hesitation in the first place. Justifying their faith in me is more important than fulfilling any childhood dream I might have.
We knew going into production and airing of the series again would trudge up some of the old shit… and so it’s coming to pass. We woke up this morning to a former friend tweeting disparaging comments about ourselves and our family, releasing our private information, and was so low as to shame our daughter for her career choice [burlesque performer] as well. I guess there is no escaping scrutiny, and no depths some people won’t go to validate their reality. These things no longer shock me… I’m the charge.

I am more than the product of myself, but the actions and efforts of those people who I serve every day, who believe in me… and also the people who’ve taken the time and effort to put obstacles and challenges in my way, who have taken the time to try and stop me. They have stiffened my resolve to express what they would suppress. So perhaps it isn’t such a selfish act after all, but homage to the people who got me here…

Without all the controversy in the storyline, Anterockstar would have only been a 10 part flash in the pan piece of reality cheese gathering mould on the entertainment block. Thanks to my detractors, it has turned into a 10 year long filmmaking journey documenting the artistic perspective in a way no one has ever done before… not just my perspective, but that of the many artists with whom we have collaborated over the years. I have treasures in my archives. Slices of lives. I am so grateful.

I was discussing the art of performance with my coach at last rehearsal, where I brought up this one quote from Lemmy I find particularly inspiring
"If you're going to be a fucking rock star, go be one. People don't want to see the guy next door on stage; they want to see a being from another planet."

So true…. But at the same time… do you have any idea how humiliating it is to appear this way when you ARE the girl next door? All the humiliation has made me into the performer I am today, who not only has a voice and knows how to use it, but isn’t one iota of afraid to fail.

I also know how to reach into a crowd, grab you, and have you… till I let you go.

I am so excited to beam down for the first time from my home planet to play the Cadillac Lounge with my band [sic] on Wednesday.

Leave a Reply