Subject Dreaming of mercy...
DateCreated 5/19/2007 11:34:00 PM
PostedDate 5/19/2007 8:42:00 PM
Body

T... is for trust...

It's been a while since I've written anything that delves deeply into my feelings... it's been my experience when I share my feelings this openly, it exposes me to endless amounts of hurt, but as I pointed out to someone who was feeling rather low today...

"You searching for joy, it's on the other side of hurting" - Wil Smith - Chasing Forever

So here goes...

I have a terrible terrible time trusting people... I want to so badly.  Desperately at times...

There are very few people I trust in this world, and even them... I have doubts.  I frequently seek reassurance and sometimes it seems that the more reassurance I am given the more I want, like I'm some sort of sieve.  As hard as I fight to stop the sand from running out...

"looking down on empty streets, all she can see, are the dreams all made solid, are the dreams all made real"

You're talking to a girl who has more love in her life than she should rationally be allowed to claim, yet here I sit, feeling sorry for myself, and the worst part is it's  pain is of my own creation.  As I said yesterday in my blog, all things are interchangeable, and even this pain could be joy if I only allowed it to be.  I purposefully do things that damage my trust in people, and cause me to hurt, and mostly to the relationships I cherish the most... simply because...

"she pictures the broken glass, she pictures the steam, she pictures a soul, with no leak at the seam"

Because I fear.  I spent alot of today reading about you guys, what makes you tick (I look at the profile of everyone who requests an add, or writes to me) so that I can understand you, and ergo, get inside your heads so that I'll know what to give you.  What good am I if I can't give you what you are looking for?  How can you possibly relate to me, if I don't relate to YOU?

"there in the midst of it so alive and alone words support like bone"

I spent a great deal of time offering sympathy...(there seem to be alot of angry depressed hurt people out there) without confessing that I am prone to depressive spells myself... if you look across the landscape, you will find a sea of wounded souls looking for mercy... And a few lights across the horizon...thank God...

"confessing all the secret things in the warm velvet box, to the priest-he's the doctor he can handle the shocks"

Trust...  I don't think anyone trusts easily... to trust is to expose those parts of yourself that are weak, fragile... confessions you allow people to hear can be used as weapons... 

And then there's transposition... confessions unheard cause innocents who bear resemblances to others to suddenly become your ennemy as they inadvertantly step across a landmine in your head, and voila... they stand accused... and if you give yourself leave to establish an offensive, they lie wounded at your feet...  Your own heart bleeding over them once you unmask the truth of your characters...

I like to think I am a good judge of character, but I've been wrong before, and lo... now... I don't trust myself...

"Anne, with her father is out in the boat, riding the water, riding the waves, on the sea"

But then I remember that I do trust myself, despite my shortcomings, and silly attempts to undermine myself (like snooping on people), and I remember that I'm tired, I'm drained, I'm having my period, I've been drinking in the last couple of days (with highs come lows!) I haven't meditated today, I haven't done yoga in over a week....

And that, as I told my new suicidal buddy Jeff earlier (I seem to attract an inordinate amount of Jeff's me...)

"This too shall pass" 

Now if only I could fall asleep....lol...