Subject The problem is.....CHOICE.
DateCreated 3/2/2008 8:35:00 AM
PostedDate 3/2/2008 7:57:00 AM
Body

Choice, that lovely nonexistent thing that we delude ourselves into believing we have... cause in the end you don't really have a choice, you just understand it.

Like bending that there spoon everyone says isn't there either...

*****

So, this court case... it's getting quite involved.

For those of you in the dark, the nugget is this:  The child protection authorities were called in to investigate allegations of abuse and neglect in our home in October of 2007. 

They conducted their investigation, and based on statements from relatives and two of our children, proceeded to have their proposed service contract (which is meant to correct the areas of abuse and neglect discovered during their investigation), enforced by a court.

Currently, they have a limited court order, and are an ongoing presence (read nuisance, annoyance, frustration, etc...).  At our last court appearance on February 25th, we agreed, and the court issued an endorsement for, a settlement conference to be held on the 20th of March.  Exactly 7 days before my birthday. 

It's hard to describe what I am going through, but suffice it to say, I'm shaking as I write this.

During their investigation, it was alleged, and I willingly supplied detailed information regarding, my use of Marijuana.  The instances of abuse and neglect that mainly concern the authorities, is the fact that I am "intoxicated" while in a caregiving role (which I am NEVER NOT IN).

Now, I'm sure you're all wondering, what the hell?  On many fronts...lol.  Just so you all have the same information everyone else does (my dealer can verify these figures...lol...) I smoke 1 gram of dried marijuana a day, which equates to 5 small joints throughout the day.  1 in the morning, 1 after lunch, 1 at 420, and two in the evening after dinner.  I am very disciplined in my use (I curb it when the situation requires it), and will not allow myself to indulge any further in an effort to prevent the very scenario that CAS is contending is ALREADY going on here.

For those of you unfamiliar, being high, is not like being "intoxicated".  I have been quite a bit of both in my lifetime thank you, and "intoxicated" would indicate that I am no longer, or less,  functional than nominal, and that is nowhere near the case here.  I am in fact, MORE functional when I am high, as I use it also as a bit of a carrot to motivate me.

My main contention is that I use dope to medicate myself for depression, but the truth is, I use it for far more than than.  It helps me to focus, it treats my pain (I have an arthritic spine), helps me manage and sort my emotions, helps me control my demeanour...

But I don't want to say that it's a miracle cure for any of these things, because this experience is highly personal to me, although it may share traits with the stories of others.

And what of the stories of others?  The ones who end up smoking crack after Marijuana doesn't do the trick anymore?

Or the ones who pop a pill for every ailment I listed above?  I am one of the soberest people I know. 

And that's their choice now isn't it?

Is CAS trying to predict my choices?  Not at all.. they are trying to legislate my choices.

I doubt anyone could have predicted my choices over the last few years, certainly that's why we've come to this juncture... to gain an understanding.

Even though there is nothing in their brief that even suggests that this is a suspicion, it became our understanding this week, that CAS wants me to submit urine samples so that they can test me for chemicals I haven't confessed to being under the influence of.  Even though I have emphatically stated, as have others involved, that I cannot afford, in any way shape or form, to use drugs as if my life depended on it. 

My children depend on me, and they deserve a happy and productive mother.  That's what they have.  Although she'd be a shitload happier if people would stop fucking with her, this whole thing has given her an opportunity to really look inside myself, and stand up and be counted.

I have a good inventory of who I am, I have learned a hell of alot about myself, and others along the way of this leg of my journey, and I have been awake the whole time... I assure you.

I also know that this system is perpetuating abuses that were founded in generations past, and although time is always turning, everything comes to an end.

Stay tuned.