Subject Can’t ditch my shadow or my friends...
DateCreated 3/9/2008 7:46:00 AM
PostedDate 3/9/2008 7:02:00 AM
Body

What do I want?

*****

Well, for those of you who are interested, Kevin and I celebrated 18 years together yesterday.  We've been married for 11. 

That's quite an accomplishment in this day and age, not to brag.  In an era where marriages are as disposable as everything else we use in our society, the fact that he and I have been able to forge and maintain such a lengthy alliance between two non-blood related individuals is well, amazing to say the least.  What we have done together I could never have done alone, and our family is THE thing on this planet of which I am the most proud. 

My greatest succes.

Was it easy?

Well, the decision was easy.  It's always easy to commit to something when you have no clue what it involves, eh?  I mean, who really plans or expects "sickness and health, riches, and poverty"?  What they don't tell you when you say I do, is that those things are  precisely what you get, all at once, all the time.  Each memory I have with Kevin can be colored with as much sickness and health, riches, and poverty as my imagination can recall.  How I see those memories is entirely up to me.

When we were first married I told friends that it seemed that prior to the ceremony we had been on parallel paths, and that it now felt like we were on the same one.  I believed what I swore that day, and set about becoming one with this man I'd handed my life over to.

On Friday night Kevin and I exchanged words on our way out to shoot.  Rather terse words, which ended with me saying "this is not what I got all dolled up for" and contrary to every other time in our lives... I walked away.  I didn't look back.

I don't know if Kevin looked away at me...  I know he didn't come back for me.  Most of the time, this little maneuvre in power struggles is meant to manipulate the other party with guilt.  I know for a fact that stopped working for Kevin a long time ago.  I've used that one far too much.

I was going to walk home, but instead decided to sit in the park.  So I sat there, in silence, staring at the big black sky... wondering if Kevin loved me enough to come back for me.  But then I remembered that I'm a big girl, and that it was MY choice to walk away, and that Kevin coming back for me had nothing to do with how much he loved me.

He respected me enough to honor my choice, and our commitments.  He followed our friends into the venue, and let me walk away for whatever amount of time I chose to.  I decided to stop being silly, gathered up my hurt feelings, and put them in a box for later.  I went back and finished the evening.   Which is what all good husbands and wives should do... especially when duty calls.

He still hasn't apologized, though he did get me a trip for our Anniversary though.  A guilt trip.  You see, in all these 18 years, I still can't for the life of me remember that MARCH 8TH is our ANNIVERSARY.   It's like for me it never had a beginning....

When you are a spouse, your destiny is perpetually bound to the other person.  You spend a great deal of time and energy meshing yourself to another, and then the cycle restarts and you begin a denouement which eventually leads to severance...

Cause they don't tell you what "Till death do you part" means either...

*****

Although now I know what it feels like to sit on a park bench, alone and cold in the dark... and Kevin's not there... and neither is he coming back to get me.

For those whom death has parted...

"She fills my soul with soo much love
That anywhere I go I'm never lonely "