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Cause the working, and the dancing, is something that I AM.

I woke up in a foul mood this morning, and now I’m about on the verge of tears again, for no reason other than the sun is shining.

I’m getting better at swallowing my emotions and channelling them into my work… well, trying to. The joyful ones seem to cause me to behave in “creepy” ways, and when I act out of the sad ones, it’s repulsive (to me). I have a big knot in my throat, the whole thing feels like a steel pipe with a cork stuck in it.

I’m on with CATL tonite, so I’d better hunker down and relax if I’m going to have any fun. This kinda tension is what…. wait a second…

I was relaxed as all creation before doing my Chicago’s gig, and that didn’t fly… well, it did, but that ain’t soaring…not like playing with muck rattlers couple weeks ago….I remember that.

So ya, I’m riding CATL tonite, and to be frank haven’t spent too much time “rehearsing”. I mean, I know how to dance for chrissakes, and I’ve been listening to CATL now for quite some time. They always grab me and take me for a spin… can’t do that if I’m playin the trained pony.

Oy.

Sigh.

We got our photo shoot done for the upcoming season, and our marketing set. We’ll be revisiting last season leading up to the premiere of Season III of Anterockstar on April 1st.

The website will be finished Monday, and well… we go to market…again…

The future is what’s in my face and its coming along real nicely, but still has the capacity for so much tragedy. It’s amazing that people so far away can appreciate what I do, but those closest to me have can’t see me at all.

I’ve been accused of all kinds of things this week… I’ve been a whore, a thief, a freak…campy.

*giggles*

I’ve also been told I’m inspiring, thrilling, captivating, and….

“You look like young Garbo. You have that classic beauty that is timeless.
You could be Romanesque, or Jane Austen beauty, a Model”

I haven’t blushed quite that deeply in some time.

I’ve been told these things before, but never understood them. I was busy being a wife, a mom, a friend, a daughter, a sister, a neighbor… and a good samaritan…. giving away pieces of myself along the way.

“all the people that you’ve loved are all bound to leave some keepsakes” – Interpol.

I’ve seen artists in this community put out a smidgeon of the product we do… and get no end of kudos. I can count on one hand the number of artists who’ve thanked me for coming out to see them, taking the time to get their perspective and performance on video, endorsing their brand, and propagating their music. ONE hand… in three years.

I can also count on one hand the number of them I’d want to work with again.

I’ve been told I’m looking for something… like someone who’s looking for something needs to be told what they’re looking for… if anyone knows what I’m looking for it’s me.

As the universe will remind us over and over again…. wishes… don’t come true if they’re spoken aloud.

“If wishes were horses, beggars would ride”

I’m really nervous about all this… the first go on any of it was no easy thing to go through… asking me and everyone else to go through it again is like asking David to go up against goliath (Speaking of Davids, I recovered my friendship with my good friend (some call brother) D this week).

He’s coming up to Toronto soon… it’s going to be GRAND.

Another D I know told me this week he couldn’t be intimidated…. so I made a liar out of him. He also said we we’re even, which is good, but naturally, as we’ve proven from times past, that evenness between he and I is quite fragile. Can we hold it together for a murder ride?

I refuse to be bullied.

One of the most revealing moments of last season (aside the promo pics) was when someone who had until then considered themselves a kind, patient, and caring individual, was shocked when I accused her of bullying me. No one had ever called her that, but after hearing what I had to say (hearing involves so much more than listening), had to concede that I had a right to feel the way I did.

It was a very validating experience for both of us.

*****

So ya…. CATL tonite…. gonna work me out some tension 🙂

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