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I just woke up….

well, rather, I’ve been up since 3:20.

I’m so depressed… I feel like I’m on a tether again being yanked whimsically…. I’ve been up since 3:20 crying, and I NEVER have problems sleeping…..

I had a manic episode a couple of weeks ago where I got tons done, and was happy and joyful. And for a change I managed to let myself have the joy without mourning the fact that it would soon be gone….

For the cycle always repeats.

After Saturday’s euphoria, and ensuing fantastical thoughts of grandure (I mean, I’ve been singing symphonies all week), I spent the week on a kind of plateau… I’ve seen the plunge coming since Monday. I didn’t cringe, or even flinch, and I let it hit me.

And now I’m up crying at 3:20 in the morning. There are a million reasons why I’m crying, one frustrating reason in particular, but a million all told.

I told my counsellor (and my doctor) this week that I’ve been doing better at recognizing and managing my episodes, and I’m really proud that I can say that. That doesn’t make them any easier to live.

For me or anyone else.

Frances was just up cause she heard me in the kitchen, and she asked me if I was ok, and I said ya, even though that’s an outright lie. I’m devastated to my core at this particular moment.

I lied because there’s nothing she can do, and besides, she’s only a little girl, why in the hell would I pile that kind of pain onto a kid.

I read her notes and they’re so full of fun, and I read mine and they’re always so serious…..

“words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup,
they slither while they pass they slip away across they Universe…
pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my open mind,
posessing and caressing me….”

I still have hope somewhere inside me because while I was feeling so euphoric I reminded myself to remember how it felt, so that I’d have something to look forward to while I was down.

I’m just never sure I’ll see up again… but I suppose if what goes up MUST come down, so must what goes down come UP.

I just wished I could keep it there. I hate despondency.

And lack of sleep.

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