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I used to think that the day would never come…

still do frequently.

Ok, so another week down, weekend as eventful, if uneventful. Two nights out drinking till the wee hours last week, and I’m toast… although as I mentioned to Jackson once before our show at the Stag… it’s the starts and stops that kill me… once I’m started….

Eventful because I settled up a few scores. Feels good. Ran into a certain hellion in an alleyway and set peace between us. That… feels good. I wish he understood (as I wish alot of people in particular did) that it’s not the quantity of his love that kills me… it’s the quality. It’s hard to argue the quality of someone’s love, it’s always their best… in their humble opinion.

Humility is the hardest thing to maintain I find…. It’s hard to have a rock solid grasp of who you are and where you’re going and at the same time have no hold on it whatsoever. How do you improve without asking for feedback? How do you learn when you know everything already?

I’ve been complimented more this week than I have in my entire life. I never thought I was important enough to discuss outside my presence…. and now it turns out that people actually hold opinions on me… rather strong ones I’ve discovered… all the while hovering around me like I don’t exist.

I see myself one way… others see me another. This feels alot like a chicken coming out of an egg, cause being seen for who I am has been one of the largest struggles of my life. Why would it surprise anyone that people who produce media for a living wouldn’t rent out a space to conduct that business in?

Why would it surprise anyone that I’d be crushed at being kept in the cold to watch and video tape and edit and store footage for THEIR benefit while they ignore my hearts desires? I am a very lonely person…. DIY occupational hazard I suppose. When you do everything yourself, who the hell needs anybody else… right?

Making fun…. at this point I wanna get pissy and say something like “do you have any clue what it takes to make you people look like professionals to the public at large”, but I would be digressing….. and I’d be lying. Because at the end of the day, every single musician I’ve put to film has been the kind of pro that puts on a show. Never seen anyone leave a stage… once you get them up there. I’ve met alot of chickens (myself among them).

It’s like nobody’s watching at all… but everyone is …

(sorry this note is so disjointed, I was interrupted, and you know what happens when the flow’s interrupted…..)

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