Before my mom died she gave me her MP3 player, cause she got a new one for Christmas. It was loaded up with all the music she had been listening to up until that point in her illness.
I hate to go on about a subject as morose as losing one’s mother, but obviously, I will be carrying this for a while, not to mention that healing begins by acknowledging these things… so…I have to let it out.
I haven’t really been able to explore the feeling that much, everytime I allow myself to think about what’s been lost, I’ve been most disciplined in replacing that feeling with what we did have. It just hurts too damned much.
I come from a unique perspective in that I had grown accustomed to day to day life without her presence (and on occasion wished it gone when it did manifest itself), but life without the hope of ever having the opportunity to once again enjoy her company…. no more sensory input from mommy.
Except for what she left behind. All of us are hurting so badly, and doing our best to turn to each other for comfort, but as in all situations…. when people are hurting they hurt others… it’s a natural instinct to repel the very thing that will make you better.
We all have to wonder now, whether or not she was happy in her life… certainly we would all like to think so, but because she is now dead… we can’t ask her.
She did however, leave behind hints. I can’t help but think that as she listened to those songs, she thought of her family. I know I would.
And she couldn’t have said it better if she were here….From the selection on my mom’s MP3 player…
“Youre simply the best, better than all the rest, better than anyone, anyone Ive ever met!
Im stuck on your heart, I hang on every word you say Tear us apart, baby I would rather be dead”