So we’ve shot installment II of doug Hell’s Kitchen, and I’m really happy with how it’s coming along. Doug’s taking his work seriously, and he’s getting his shit together quite nicely. Although nailing him to a schedule is still an effort, I’m flexible enough.
There are some bends though… that break.
For some reason I wasn’t in the greatest headspace today, I have to remember to remove “good mother” from my MP3 player. Filming went fine, except for my crying through most of it. I know why I cried through most of it, although I haven’t the courage to confess it to anyone really other than Kevin right now, I was even uncomfortable with him telling the kids why I was upset (although Justin understood exactly what I was feeling… as he’s had it done to him… this thing that made me cry).
I made a vow to myself last fall that I was going to stop crying about things, and get on with my life. Then my mother was diagnosed with cancer… CAS put me through hell… my mother died… all this while looking desperately for work (ANYTHING that will pay, I mean… I’ve scrubbed Hell’s toilet for chrissakes), keeping to a rigourous (and expanding) practice/training schedule, trying to get out as much as possible on no money, begging, starving, walking practically everywhere I go…
I managed to make it through delivering my mother’s eulogy without crying, but Hell managed to make me cry tonite.
I feel like a fool, totally humiliated, completely worthless, and a danger to myself for having such poor judgement that I’d expose myself to such hurt.
And I still don’t know what it means…and I’m afraid I’ll never learn who to trust other than myself, and I feel like I’m going to be in this pain forever.
I’m hiding right out in the open… and nobody sees me.