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This is the last lonely evening…

that I’ll ever spend.

A few years ago I set out in search of my dreams, under the guise of a
dream called “Anterockstar”.  It was a series, became a lifestyle, a
nightmare, a psychosis, a war, casualties, words, frames, sounds,
scars, and memories.

LOTS of memories.  So many I forget half the time, nevermind that I
have hundreds of hours of those memories published on the internet as
videos, and hundreds of others diarized in journal entries,
photographs, and archived footage that no one will ever see.

I may never again.

I shot my last live show last Friday for a band fronted by a couple
for whom I have the utmost love and respect.  I have watched them form
a union that has produced genius work.  It was a privilege to have
them as my last, as it was a privilege to have DOA as my first back in
the summer of 2007.

I am retiring Camera 1 and Camera 2.

Both are very tired, and have reached their limit.  At the last show,
Camera 1 wouildn’t start at all, and Camera 2 needed fiddling to get

Plus, this tripod is getting tired.  I can’t film an entire set
anymore without straining my joints to the point of injury, nevermind
that when I started I had the pit all to myself, now apparently
everyone and their brother thinks punks are interesting to film.  I
have no room to manoeuvre.

As much as the experience of shooting punk bands has brought me, the
one thing I will cherish most are the years I spent forming my craft
from not only the back of the room, but the floor, the moshpit, the
stage, backstage, even at the door…. the things I will cherish most
are the love, the community, the energy… those things that welcome
me upon entry into a club, and follow me home.

The things that will follow me into the future; where I am more than
just a chick at shows who shoots bands.  Just like Mandy isn’t Mandy
anymore… she’s Sick, but she’s pretty.

I cried watching this video, because it made me realize that I’ve
become what I set out to be.

A filmmaker.

My heart could not be filled with more gratitude for the individuals
who contributed to the many challenges I had to face within myself to
achieve this goal.  Thanks to them, if I were to die today, I could
die a happy woman, because not only did I achieve what I set out to
do, but I was surprised to find myself building a legacy in the
process.  No matter what I do from this point on, it’s all sauce for
the goose.

I already have so many stories I could tell my grandchildren, they’d
be 100 years old by the time I got to the ending….

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