By everything around you? I suppose it leads to disposession of the self, or rather, giving up of the self.
*****
I am probably one of the most loved girls in the world, yet completely unsatisfied. Why? I dunno… some would say because I’m spoiled (I’ve heard this MOST often), some would say I’m a drama queen… a diva… an attention whore, whatever the hell you wanna call it.
I used to feel a tremendous amount of love… for myself, my family, my friends, hell… complete strangers off the street. I continue to show love, and perform acts of love for complete strangers all over the world, daily, weekly, monthly… most of my days are spent on acts of love…. except for myself.
Most of the time I spend with myself is spent rehashing my time with others (I enjoy it that much) but lately those exercises have become completely unsatisfying… as the places I would find most solace are proving to be cold, hard, and quite frankly…unwelcoming. Despite the fact that they offer the pretense of comfort, and warmth.
The time I spend with myself becomes a poison, and well… this then turns my acts of love into nothing…
“Show me what it’s like
to be the last one standing
teach me wrong from right
and I’ll show you what I can be”
Fuck me if I know what any of it means, I’m just stuck in it, and it’s driving me mad. Kevin asked me earlier if I felt like my mind was slipping, and I promptly replied, no, the walls are caving in… it has nowhere to go.