sue me, I’m still listening to Lennon.
As big as the tsunami down south is, my own life seems much like a tidal wave hitting my shores. I’m like this big wall standing in a shit storm, and I don’t feel like a big wall at all…. I feel like a little tiny worm on a big fucking hook.
I must be fresh meat, cause it seems those who cross me always feel the need to take a bite out of me then leave me bleeding for the next poor sucker to mend. So much for friendship… indeed… a bloody scar on your back.
I mentioned once to someone I considered quite intimate with me that when the real me comes out, the one I hide from everyone (including myself) people bolt. So true to fact… it appears that very person has bolted….despite acclamations to the invalidity of my statement.
I don’t know what it is precisely that causes people to bolt… I mean, I can be as kind or as mean as the next person, but it seems to be I am quite dispensable in this world….
*****
Enter my mom stage left.
I’m at her house doing laundry, and one thing my mom ALWAYS used to say was “it’ll all come out in the wash”. So I wash… and wander…
I want to believe all kinds of things despite the signs to the contrary. If there is beauty at all in this world it is because people like me believe it. It is because people like me seek it out, dust it off, and show it off for all its brilliance so others will believe in beauty too.
I wish more people saw me the way the people who love me do. (truly love me, not those who pretend for their ego’s sake)… I wish I could see myself more the way the people who love me do… although for my ego’s sake it’s not healthy to pretend to be others for one’s ego’s sake.
Me? I’m on the surface quite in love with myself… how could I not be? Have you seen me? Heard me? I’m a star! I’m the shit don’t you know?…talent and brains oozing out of my every pore, charm, grace (even on occasion), gorgeous, awesome body (hahaha when clothed).
Under that courses an unending river of self abasement, which will not allow me to fully enjoy those things about myself, god forbid, I might turn ugly… then what would I do? So I work on the things I can, hoping that at some point I will be cleansed, and the river will run dry…perhaps I might even be whole.
Underneath I am quite baffled, mired in the feeling that I am an utter piece of shit, and should pay eternally for my sins, whenever they be committed, no matter my commitment never to sin again.
That is not my voice.. neither is it the voice of anyone who loves me. underneath is the voices of others pretending to be me, taking on my shape to confuse and deter me…. not to mention kill me… if you believe a person can be healthy this way… you are sorely mistaken. The spirit is stronger than the body, but just as frail… life is.
I will not be deterred and mired in the thinking that I am any wronger, or have less or more of a place than anyone else… my place.
The one I make for myself, the one that I don’t let others create for me, but the one that is in me, the one where I shine, am happy, profoundly content, and able… so very able.
I am everything I am capable of… and so much more… it’s the best kept secret in the world… despite the fact that it’s hiding right out in the open.
I know none of this made sense… it wasn’t supposed to.